nightmare~
ytd night i cried myself to sleep. i have already forgotten when was the last time i did that. but i do remember telling myself before, that i never will do it again. and still i did it again ytd. i never liked the feeling, well, who does?! it suck. and now i have puffy eyes. shit. of course something happened that made me cry myself to sleep la. u think i will so wu liao and cry for nothing meh? it has been a long time since my tears fall so uncontrollably, it has also been a long time since my heart ached so much. it ached till now, i'm still feeling the after effect. after crying myself to sleep, i woke up many times throughout the night. keep feeling something lying on my heart, so painful that i couldn breathe, so heavy that it stopped my heartbeat.
story behind: its as simple as 2 words. WE QUARRELLED. for what? i don wish to speak of it. its stupid. i know, anger makes one lose all sense. i lost my sense ytd night, and i don know for what shit.
although its peace, something is still there. a crack in my heart, that i don know how to face him now, i don know how to talk to him. a sense of insecurity lingers in my heart. a sense of regret lingers in my heart. seems to me, like ytd was the first time he ever ignored me that way. although its not deemed as ignorance, i felt that it was. at tht instant, i was suddenly so afraid of losing everything i had. i was suddenly so afraid of losing him. what if i did. what if i did lose him? what will i be doing now? what will i be feeling now?
today when he msgs me, i don know how to reply him. i try to keep it short, lesser emotions. i keep feeling a virtual gap between me and him. he might not feel it. its just me, i guess. and because of this, i keep thinking he is treating me differently.
i have never doubted his sincerity towards me. having relationships before, he is the first one i never suspect before, also the first one who doesnt gives me the stress that my guy is cheating. although i admit, at times i do wonder if he lies, but i never did suspected him. but now, i really don know what to feel. with him, its so relaxing because the stress of worrying "if-my-guy-is-cheating" is never there. but now, everything seems to change. i hope its just the after effect of ytd's nightmare. bless me.
*i'm sorry.
anger leaves me with a sense of insecurity.
12:46 PM
